studiobondurri Chapter 109: The Way She Loves (1)
Chapter 109: The Way She Loves (1)
Chapter 109: The Way She Loves (1)
Lady Silver Lily was standing in the hallway at midnight. Behind her, there was a huge mirror. It was a smooth, clean, full-length mirror that glittered softly with moonlight. The reflection showed only her straight back, a ray of moonlight, and her ponytail. She looked like a lonely island floating on a dark sea.
“You’re quiet, and you look troubled. You’re an open book. I can read you even at night—that’s why I can tell that this is your first time.”
First time?
My heart was palpitating with anxiety. Why was Lady Silver Lily acting so friendly? A cold and indifferent sword to everyone. The moon of the Ivansia family. She... had no reason to be kind to me, the butler of Lady Goldencup. There should be no reason.
“... I kept my silence because I didn’t know what to say. If I was rude, please forgive me. My lord, am I... dreaming? Did you appear in my dream?”
My question drew a smile from Lady Silver Lily, but it was strange—it felt like a scar.
“That’s an interesting question,” she replied. “Yes, your dream swallowed up my life. I now realize that love is dedicating your life to someone else’s dream.”
What was she talking about?
“Now I’m your dream, and you’re my life. We call this exchange of our dreams and lives our love.”
What was she talking about? I truly didn’t understand. There were many other things I didn’t know.
Lady Silver Lily offered me that scarred smile again. “But I don’t think you meant that in such a romantic way, so I’ll give you a serious answer. If you’re wondering because the servants aren’t there, don’t worry. I sent them away.”
“Why—”
“And I warn you, never call me ‘my lord’ with that mouth again.” Lady Silver Lily smiled. “I’ll cut out your heart.”
I couldn’t understand anything. Lady Silver Lily had just expressed hostility toward me. Her threat to kill me was absolutely not empty; if I called her “my lord” one more time, her rapier would surely pierce my heart. Yes, that was what would happen, but... why did her threat feel so warm, not cold? Could a death threat feel this comforting?
“Come here.” She only used her voice, but I couldn’t resist her as if she were pulling me toward her. As I approached Lady Silver Lily, she pointed at the full-length mirror. “What do you see?”
“... I see you standing next to me.”
“And?”
“The moonlight... barely reaches the dark hallway, so I can’t really see anything except you and me. Everything is dark.”
“And?” Lady Silver Lily asked.
It was odd—she was expecting another answer, as if there was still something left for me to see in the mirror. But what else could the mirror reflect?
“And what else do you see? Don’t hide anything. Tell me.”
I decided to look into the mirror a little harder. I narrowed my eyes and furrowed my brows, but even then, nothing changed.
As expected, all I can see is darkness. And her unusually red eyes...
At that moment, a piercing headache struck me, and incomprehensible words flashed before my eyes.
■■: ■■■
■■■: ■■
■■ ■■: ■■, ■■■, ■■, ■■
■■ ■■: ■■
■■ ■■■: ■er, lov■, ■■■ ■■, ■■■, ■■■, ■■■■, ■■, ■■■ ■■■ ■ ■■ ■, ■■■■ ■■■■ ■, ■■ ■■■■ ■
I felt nauseous.
—Kim■Ja ■■! Pl■ ■ ■■ ■p!
[■■■■ ■■■ y■■■■■ ■■■■!]
I reflexively wrapped my hand around my neck. The moment I did it, I felt it ache. I didn't know why. Still, I had no choice but to leave what I didn't know unanswered for the moment and turn my attention somewhere else.
Thank goodness I didn’t eat anything. I didn’t have to vomit. Vomiting in front of the heir apparent of the Ducal Family of Ivansia was too horrible to even imagine. I desperately suppressed my nausea.
Lady Silver Lily was calm.
“I asked what you can see.”
She was a cold person.@@@@
A bitter taste filled my mouth. “Letters... I see strange letters. And voices... Strange voices... I don’t really understand.”
“Voices, huh?” Lady Silver Lily smiled faintly. It was more like a real smile this time than the one from earlier. “You’re loved.”
“What are you talking about—”
“Tell me about those letters,” she asked, ignoring my request for an explanation.
I just stared blankly at her.
Her smile dried up. She didn’t press me, just calmly repeated, “You said that you see strange letters. Tell me about them.”
“... I can’t really read them. It’s not like I can see complete words... All I see are bits and pieces...”
“Tell me about those, then.”
“‘Er’... And ‘lov’... Other than that... I can’t see anything...”
Lady Silver Lily stroked her chin. For some reason, her eyebrows were furrowed. “I see. ‘Er’ is from ‘teacher’, and ‘lov’ is from lover. It’s very like you to leave those behind until the very end. But teacher is in front of lover? I understand why, but I don’t like it.”
“There are too many things I don’t understand. You said this wasn’t a dream, but what do you want from me, then?”
“I want you.”
“I’m sorry. I still don’t understand—”
Lady Silver Lily simply cut me off. “What did you dream about?”
Even though she’s the heir of the Ivansias... I’m still Lady Goldencup’s one and only butler... and His Highness cherishes Lady Goldencup. This kind of treatment is...
Her reason was clear.
“I won’t be able to remember you.”
She, Raviel Ivansia, wouldn’t be able to remember Kim Gong-Ja. Perhaps he could go back twenty-four hours before that day, stop her from stabbing the reflection of her heart, preventing the tragedy of being eternally bound to those ten days. But it would all be meaningless if she couldn’t remember him.
I don’t want my life to go on. My wish is to spend my life with you.
The days she had spent with him; the first holiday she had been allowed to have for fifteen days. All those memories made up who she was now. Without them, she could no longer be Raviel Ivansia.
Did the man in front of her not know that she wouldn't be grateful at all if she escaped the labyrinth of these ten days like that?
“It’s okay. I’ll solve it, whatever it takes.”
He probably knew, judging from his annoying assurance.
“Please trust me.”
Raviel was momentarily paralyzed by the cruelty of those words. She had to blindly trust someone. It was too late, but she regretted making the promise a few days ago to trust him. However, she was running out of time to languish in regret.
Trust...
She had to trust the man she loved and believe in his competence. He was the man she had chosen to be hers. Surely, he would persuade the Tower somehow and succeed in returning twenty-four hours before that day. The real problem was what happened afterward.
How was he going to decrease his immersion level once it had risen over ninety percent? Once he succeeded, he would definitely not remember himself. Even if he would, his memories were going to be hazy at best. It would be impossible to recall the days he spent with her in detail.
No, wait a minute.
There was a way. Raviel groaned for a while at the method that crossed her head. The rumor that all the poison of the empire came from her heart flashed through her head. It didn’t take long for her to realize that she would use that method.
I...
So, she engraved her plan into her heart, ensuring it would be executed.
I will kill this man.
Trauma. While revealing to her almost everything about himself, he had said that his ability had the side effect of forcing him to glimpse his killer’s memories.
If only I could make this moment my trauma.
He could catch a glimpse of this moment Raviel was living through, not her past. If only that were possible, she could tell him what she wanted to say, the memories she wished to deliver. He would be able to remember everything through her.
“I became your first asshole, so you’ll be my last asshole as well.”
Raviel was certain that the plan would work.
“I ended up with a real bad boy for a lover.”
Gong-Ja, are you listening? I’m happy because of you. I don’t want to lose you or the time I spent with you.
You told me that you’d start writing a diary so you could show me your entire day. Was that a lie? You said that you’d learn music because you wanted me to spend a quiet evening listening to your songs. Was that wish fake?
I want to know your day and send away the evening with you. Your day will surely make me smile, and the evening with you will be happy. I want my smile and your happiness to be together. I don’t want to kill you nor do I want to lose you.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes... It’s okay... For now... More.”
“Are you asking me to kiss you more? My lover is such a baby.”
Look at me. Look at you by my side. You’re an innocent fool. I sometimes wonder how you’ll survive in this world with such innocence, but my question is soon answered when I remember your thousands of deaths. There are many, many reasons to abandon innocence, but only a few to keep it. That is why I call you innocent. Despite your many reasons, you haven’t abandoned your innocence. Instead, you protect it for those few reasons. I love your innocence.
“How about now? Are you okay?”
“Raviel...”
Are you afraid that you’ll lose yourself? Does it scare you?
“I love you. I love you, Raviel...”
“I know.”
It’s okay.
“Even when I’m born again, I’ll love you. I’ll never forget you. Even if I die...”
“I know that as well.”
I’m here. Trust me like I trust you. Rely on me. You alone cannot protect yourself, and I can’t protect the world on my own. But you and I can do anything together. I’m afraid too. I’m scared of killing you. I’m terrified of the pain I know I’ll feel when I approach you. But my fear doesn’t stop me from being with you.
“Oh my god. My lord, did you kidnap me?”
Look. That is what you told me after sinking into the role of the butler.
It hurt my heart. My heart aches when you treat me like a stranger. You look at me with disbelief and doubt. It hurts me. It’s painful to see you react as if you were meeting me for the first time in your life.
“You’ve gone too far. I’m aware that the duke is so powerful that he can blind the eyes of heaven, but this is too far. Do you hate Lady Goldencup that much? Is that why you’re threatening me, her butler?”
Listen. This is the scar you left me.
“Gong-Ja.”
Don’t forget.
“... Who are you looking for?”
“My lover. He’s the man who offered me his heart and the one I will give mine.”
Never forget this even after your death. You are here in my heart.
“Go. I’ll be waiting for you.”
Are you listening? Can you hear me, Gong-Ja? I’m in love with you.